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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Memorial Day Suggestion Spectacular!

Memorial Day is coming up on Monday, so I have some suggestions on what to do to remember soldiers who have fought while you're sitting at home, not having to work:

1. Sit down, read a book, and drink lemonade on your back patio. 
No patio? Then I suggest standing, looking at porn, and drinking beer in your living room.

2. Play a game, keep your mind from turning to mush.  I suggest the game where you write out all of the states in the country and their respective capitals, and see if you can get all of them.
Can't get all of them? Then either cheat by looking them up online or in an Atlas, or give up, and repeat the second half of idea #1. Or, you can always do what I do, and play against a little kid, and tell them there answers are wrong, and your answer "McGillicutty" for the capital of Vermont is correct, not "Montpelier", according to my dad (thanks dad).

3. Write a song/short story/poem.
Don't like writing? Great! Instead, grab a pair of house scissors, and give yourself a haircut! Halfway through, grab the scissors with your non-dominant hand, and get to snippin'. The more interesting the haircut, the more your friends will look at you, and who doesn't like attention?

4. Go to a restaurant you've never been to before. Maybe you haven't eaten Lebanese, maybe you're too scared of eating sushi for the first time, or maybe you think that thai noodles will make you have diarrhea for the rest of the night. Whatever your reason for never eating anywhere different, ignore it!
Hate change? Then as an alternative, make your most favorite meal, but make it BLINDFOLDED! You'll never be more pleased than you've ever been when it's time to eat. Boiling water, chopping vegetables, and taste-checking your food while trying to avoid 3rd-degree burns and deep, self-inflicted gashes has never been so invigorating!

5. See a movie you know no one would want to see with you. There are plenty of new movies out there, and if you never get a chance to see this movie because your friends or wife/husband don't like the genre, then seize the day and go see it yourself.
Scared of the dark? Then I suggest rather than braving the frightening low-lit abyss that is the movie theater, you instead watch old home-movies of your childhood with all the lights on. That way, you can look back at the times you stood alone, playing in the dirt at the soccer field, or the time you taped yourself dancing to the Footloose soundtrack in your basement, and you can eliminate any worries you have of a "boogeyman uprising", like your brother used to tell you and has now ruined your ability to be in places where you can't see anything, even when you threw a pillow in there and you still can't see it.

6. Take a Foreign Language Lesson. Become a more diverse person, and if you ever travel anywhere you can communicate with the locals.
Hate traveling? Well, you sound like my dad, and I can accept that. Love you, dad!

7. Tell your dad you love him. He may appreciate it.
Fighting with your dad? Then show him who's boss by taking your mom out for a nice lunch at his favorite restaurant, even though your mother is really racist, even in public, and constantly tells you how anyone who's not white is out to get her.

8. Finish up that housework you have been putting off for months. Those gutters won't clean themselves.
Don't necessarily "need" to? Then what you can do is climb up your ladder/plug in your hedge trimmer/start the lawnmower, then right when you get ready to start jump off the ladder and say you "landed awkwardly" and tweaked your bad back/say the outlet or extension cord isn't working/say the "frammets" on the lawnmower are "out of whack". Problem solved.

9. Finally put together that playlist on your iTunes library you've been "downloading songs for" since you bought your computer 3 years ago.
Forgot how? Well, not to worry, my friend. As opposed to making a playlist you can take your songs you've downloaded, put in a CD, burn those songs you wanted in your playlist onto your CD, then take that finished CD with all the songs you wanted on it, then you can take that CD, and play those songs in your CD player. If this were 1998 and people still owned CD players.


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